girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
