I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
