we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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