So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
