ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The adults are the big ones right?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
