Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
