You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
