Im at strip club and am horny
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
