cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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