3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
