Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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