you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
