Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
