I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
