i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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