This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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