Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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