Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
