I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
