im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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