my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
