she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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