If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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