im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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