I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
