so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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