I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
