I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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