Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am spending my child support on dildos
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
