Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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