While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
