I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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