Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
