I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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