I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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