my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
