i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
