I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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