You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
high people should be assigned attendants
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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