I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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