my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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