Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
