New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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