to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
