sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
