can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
