i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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