When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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