last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
