Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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