So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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