i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
