Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
you never un-have a 4some
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
